Here's to...

Letting go, to epiphanies and self realization, to unreliablity, to being honest with yourself. To discoveries, yes, to the comfort of being alone and secure. To thinks you'd never say. To humanity.

What I've learned is that change is constant. Thus, the more things change, the more things stay the same. It comes with or without you pushing. But the more you crave it, the less you see of it. The best changes happen when don't expect them. Well, here's to long awaited change. I like to find importance in details. Changes of perception alters everything. It's like that one morning you wake up, and just begin to look at everything in a different way. Slowly, these changes affect every fiber of your being. It's impossible to expect such things to happen overnight. Actual change takes time.

My favorite kind of days are dark and rainy. Your first thought is probably "how depressing". To me however, it is the exact opposite. Waking up to that soft sound of rain against my window gives me happiness. It's thought provoking. Everything is calm. You go outside to an illuminated world of headlights and open signs, in contrast to the rayless sky. The world seems dull and vivid all at once, and all you want is to record these mental images. The problem with sun is it's too overbearing. It reflects off of all its surroundings, almost blinding.

Throughout my life I've gone through many phases. From Brittney Spears wannabe to ballerina, I've done it all. All of these things, as immature as they may be now, contribute to who I am. I've craved the acknowlegdement of others, tried to fit in, and been afraid of being alone. How absurd I once was. I see countless myspace profiles of my peers, who constantly speak of those that they 'need' in their lives, whether it be boyfriends or best friends. And at some point in my life, I most certainly felt that way. Now, I look at things in a different light. I may not have a boyfriend, or a friend that I spend all my time with, but I'm okay with all of that. I don't need it. Actually, I feel comfortable alone, and secure. Self sufficiency and independence shows me a whole new side of life that I've been missing. At one time or another we've all been trapped in these teenage cliches.

After all, how can it be healthy to depend solely on those around you? Especially confining yourself to one person. I'd rather not. People may come in and out of your life, but you may often look past the one person who has always been there. You.

Everyday, I walk through life with my routine. My days collide together. I like routines because they make me feel safe, but at the same time discoveries make life worth while. As much as I need consistency, we all need an occasional adventure. A balance is always nice. I'm still searching for this balance, without a rush, I know that I have plenty of time.

What I fear are words that lie unspoken. The things that should have been said but never were. Regrets. I'd rather live without holding back than completely conserved. I narrate things in the privacy of my mind, as strange as that may sound. I just don't want to pass up a chance of saying what needs to be said because I'm too consumed by my own thoughts. Everyone's in their own personal coma. And possibly, we don't want to wake up.

Hiding from reality only works for so long. We distance ourselves. We can create fantasties. We build up boundaries. But eventually the light of morning will come, as much as it stings those unwelcoming eyes. You know that feeling when you walk into a well lit room after being in the dark? Initially, you can't see at all. But if you never open your eyes they'll never be able to adapt. Darkness can't last forever. Within a few seconds, you regain your sight. Life is like that moment. That moment between the darkness and the light. You always open your eyes.

There are times when I think about meaningless drama, as much as I try to avoid it. I put on a front, and refuse to let it affect me. Mostly, I say I don't care only in attempt to convince myself. But when I step back and look at the big picture, it all comes into perspective. All the suffering in the world, beyond the borders of our country. True despair. In a matter of seconds, all of my "problems" seems to disappear. When I think of children in Africa starving or dying of infectious diseases it makes me wonder what role humanity plays in the world. How can we worry about politicals and materialism when so many people don't have the essentials? How can a human knowing hurt one of their own? Someone who is made up of all of the elements as you. Really, it's only our opinions that make us different, our thoughts. These things are variables; they differ from person to person. Are similarities however, are undeniable. "There isn't any real you in you, even your physical body, all your cells with be replaced within eight years."

It's moments when you find youself laughing until your in tears, or watching the sun rise over the foggy horizon that keeps me going. Good books, late nights, warm sweaters, corny jokes, and fall days. It's about the things that make you feel alive.